she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
only you would photoshop your dick
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
