how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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