Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
