she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
