There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
