I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
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