My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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