Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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