I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
