I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
