Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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