I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
