I'm gonna have a badass scar
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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