I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
