If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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