I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
