remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
