I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
