We're facebook friends in real life
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
