I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
