Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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