You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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