She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
