I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
