We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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