if only i could text you this smell
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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