when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
