When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
