Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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