so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
