im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
