im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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