I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It was confusing and full of hummus
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
