just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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