one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
