She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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