I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
