I cannot find my penis.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
