i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
