Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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