I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
