I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
