I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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