I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
