she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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