Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
