in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
