So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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