If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
