Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
