just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
