he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Terrible idea I love it
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
